Absurd.

This short video sums up our foray into frozenness. If you go now, this is what you can expect. It's all yours with no crowds. If you happen to see me there, just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Thick. from Hotel Sierra on Vimeo.

Gunks carriage road. 18F.

Yeah, so M and I were the only ones psychotic enough to boulder outside yesterday. The usually friendly approach from the unusually empty Trapps parking lot was converted into a treacherous ice slide. We slipped and fell a couple times but were protected by eskimo-like layers of clothing and crash pads. At least we didn't have to pay the usual $15 fee since the ranger was not loony enough to leave the comfort of his living room. Of course, for the amount of misery we endured, we should have been paid. Just kidding - being married and working for a paycheck have already killed me so I don't feel a thing. Ok, just kidding again - marriage is a wonderful institution and scratching for your meat is, by most people's definitions, a good thing.

We started with the Lorax V4. I don't know if the hand-jam is off on this contrived piece of scheisse. Knowing the gunks, it probably is. I then tried New Pair of Glasses V7. Hands and toes froze after the first move. I didn't realize that numb toes could actually be worse than numb hands. Masa then did the Gill Pinch roof V4 and I tried White boys and Puerto Ricans V7. Suffice to say, my meager breakfast of a slice of pumpkin pie and an espresso from the Muddy Cup in town was not fueling the success I fantasized about.

We then shifted our focus to the Black Boulder V3. Our frozen asses and diminishing core strength did not help us on what is considered a "classic" on the east coast. Also, the Sportiva Cobras aren't the best heel-hooking hardware, as Matt S confirmed afterwards.

After 6 hours in sub-zero temperatures on overrated boulders, we retired to Bacchus for their overrated beer selection and non-existent service. Matt was right: "Never go there when you're hungry. You will starve to death." (waiting for service).

The highlight of the day, besides not being in a chalk filled gym with nauseating music (except for NJR when Matt plugs his mp3 player in), was finding the Crystal Sword, or "Icecalibur"*. I think it was by Key Hole Crack. There was a frozen waterfall with huge icicles, and we discovered one that perfectly resembled a sword, replete with bulbous handle, hilt, and proportional taper. Yeah, that sounds embarrasingly phallic and i sound like a geek/dork** raised on Luke Skywalker. Sadly, both are true.

After being frozen, bruised, and battered, I drove back to NJ and was greeted by a blizzard white-out. Couldn't get the car up the driveway and had to shovel the 2 feet of snowdrift out of the 20 foot incline at midnight. Why do so many people live in this god-forsaken state? Suffice to say, my neck feels like whiplash and my back and trapezius feel like fifty angry ninjas wailed on them with rusty dung-covered garden tools. My soul and body are now unified.

*Heather L gets credit for that one.

**I always forget the difference.

Kelly Canyon.

Donkey Punch V6 (at the end of the video)... I just punked out on the sandy dirtiness. My friend Tim suggested a brush, maybe even a broom. Man was he right. I think spade, trowel, and high pressure water hose would have been more like it. Yeah, that and uh, some climbing ability. Nonetheless, a beautiful line with fluid and rewarding movement. The setup for the crux is a thing of beauty with a flag to make the holds positive and then a deadpoint to a decent crimp. Just to give credit where credit's due, the flag beta was Matt's idea. Well, that's the first crux. I think the top out is the real crux. I'll need to suss that out next time for the send.

Then I lost a bet on a deceptively heinous V6 slab: Either I send V6 in 6 tries, or else 6-pack for Matt. A satanic bet. I lost. Matt is triumphant with his Dos Equis (last seconds of video.)

Dope Lounge V4 - couldn't yank after blowing my load on Donkey Punch and the slab. In fact I fell on Dope Lounge from the triangle sloper and twisted my friggin ankle. Arrg. Mental note: don't do tall stuff when you're tired. Plus: make sure your crashpad isn't going to slide when you hit it. Double plus: Try harder.

Props to Matt and Jay for their tremendous spotting, which saved my ass at least a dozen times that day.

Hueco day 4.

In order to visit North Mountain we had to watch the orientation video. That's me in the back sleeping with the sunglasses on. I love the fact that no matter where the camera is, Mark turns to the lens and cracks a smile.

Here we are trying Daily Dick Dose V7 with the silly toe hook drop knee beta. Mark started using the heel hook gaston beta which we later found out is probably easier. None of us got it though. Thanks again to Takako for the photos.




This day sucked so bad I'm not even going to talk about it... I guess Carlsbad wasn't really a rest day for my weak ass since walking 2 miles underground for several hours wasn't exactly the same as lying in bed with a beer and watching cagefighting in your underwear.

Ghetto Simulator V2 - flash
Nobody Gets out alive V2 - failure
See Spot Run V6 - failure
Daily Dick Dose V7 - failure
Babyface V7 - failure
something next to babyface V2 - flash

More of my m.o. ... either flash it or forget it. I guess v6 or v7 is pretty ambitious given the fact that anything I've ever sent at those grades had been worked on for weeks, months, or years. So I shouldn't expect to just show up and send those guys. Sort of sucks though because classics abound in the v6-v7 range.

4 point day... yikes! Clearly out of gas. No amount of caffeine or creatine was going to revive my mitochondria or kick start my Krebs cycle on this day. Starting to wish I never came here because everything else with the exception of Bishop and Font is beginning to look like choss. I'm sure that's a common side-effect of Hueco and I hope it wears off once I depart.

Yusuke climbs into heaven...

Hueco day 2.

East Mountain...

Warmup Roof V4 flash.


Below is me trying Warmup Roof V5 variation. No dice as my mind-body was unable to corkscrew properly while coordinating with the core.
Problem of the day for me was Try Harder because it contained all the necessary ingredients for my type of climbing: Big moves between big holds, no crimps, and demanding some power. Sort of like the Pearl at Red Rocks. I think Try Harder is old school also, as our guide Chris said it was put up back in the day by some hard man like John Sherman or something like that. Try Harder and Hobbit in a Blender were the only problems on the whole trip to make me scream my ass off. The primal yell is very satisfying to release. However, not any scream will do... it must be pulled out of you by a very demanding move (mentally or physically, preferably both simultaneously.) In other words you can't intend or plan such a spontaneous act. The problem has to pull it out of you. All you can do is get on the boulder and if it happens it happens. Below is me on Try Harder.
I'd like to extend many thanks to Masa for filming my attempts with his tripod; I wasn't in a filming mood at the time but now I'm very thankful he did it. Also many thanks to Takako, a budding climbing photographer, who took the sequence shots above with Yusuke's DLSR.

Warmup Roof V1 - flash
Warmup Roof V2 - flash
Warmup Roof V4 - flash
Dragonfly V5 - flash
left of hobbit "Ostracizer?" V2 - onsight
Hobbit in a Blender V5 - 2nd or third try
Try Harder V4 - redpoint

23 point day - whoa! I think this is a record for me, and my body definitely let me know it was gonna cost me dearly.

Cattleman's Steakhouse was the reward. I think this may have been the best steak I ever had. I am not a steak connosiuer like Masa though (Masa enjoys steaks in the $100+ range).

Hueco Tanks day 1.

We visited West Mountain with our guide Cooper. Our group: Yusuke "Snake", his girlfriend Takako, Masa (Totem animal = Killer Whale), Six ft. Satoshi, St. Mark, and me (Totem animal = Flounder.)
Takako doing some yoga on West Mountain.
Me about to flash Body Snatcher V4. More my style; no static moves necessary and very gymnastic.
Killer Whale o.d.'s on peanuts and Amber Bock at the Texas Roadhouse.

Between the Cheeks V4 - redpoint. This was a hard old school problem with a little bit of everything... slopers, pinches, heel hooks, toe hooks, crimps... took a bunch of attempts even with beta from the guide Cooper.
Masa obtained a good deal at a Days Inn in El Paso. I'm rooming with St. Mark, whose good nature is almost contagious. Unbeknownst to him, I was born with a natural resistance to good nature and to cleanliness.

8 point day.

Caliman - V7

At last, I sent Caliman at the Kraft boulders. Prior to heading out to the boulders, I powered up with a bowl of linguini and buffalo meat (medium rare). Sadly, as I was alone, there's no video or photographic evidence, although there was one witness, a beginning climber named Va [sic?] who was working on the Pearl. He provided a crashpad and much welcomed encouragement. I found some different beta which was to cruise right on a thumb catch instead of bumping left to a razor sharp crimper, which has cut me in the past. I also skip the intermediates at the start and just do a ginormous deadpoint. There's only one person I know who knows what I'm talking about but there you have it: go ginormous and then cruise right. Dinner afterwards was baked trout.
Since I have no photos of the Caliman, I'll provide some recent unrelated photos...
Feather-like or UFO-like clouds.
Pilar on a 5.8 at the Conundrum Crags at Kraft.
Circumcised rock?

Nockamixon state park - Haycock Mountain

It was a cold and wet Sunday in NJ and Masa's arms were hurting from climbing too much. What else was there to do but drive into Pennsylvania and hit up some diabase boulders? Above, M staying focused while piloting his Honda civic down 78W. Below, M continues his laser-like focus on Googy V5, an interesting and techy slopey slap problem that required faith in a left toe smear which most had trouble committing to. I believe in this photo M is using my beta of latching a pretty small crimp bump to sloper. The interesting feature to the right is a problem called Limp Dick V3, incase you're wondrin.
Below, a cute alternative to the traditional chalk ball. It also suited the area's name which was "Teddy Bear Picnic".
This fella below was a Upenn student from Japan who happened to speak catalan and spanish. I think he spent a lot of time in catalunya. It's funny who you meet in the middle of nowhere while intentionally seeking the hardest way up a large rock. We were also very fortunate to run into Paul and Justin, a pair of locals that knew the area so we wasted no time in the marshy unmarked maze. There's more photos and a video of Hematoma V3 at M's blog.

Victoria meets Kraft.

Scott and Nicola from B.C. Canada were in town so I escorted them from the Flamingo Hotel and Casino where they were staying to Kraft Boulders for some crimpy dynamic fun-stuff, which they consequently crushed. They are two strong and motivated boulderers that live on an island in B.C. I met them last Christmas at Bishop. Note that if you're bouldering in Bishop during Christmas in sub-zero temperatures, I automatically place you in my "Excellent Persons" file. We warmed up on the 30-40 ft 5.9 chimney at Plumber's crack. Then Potato Chips V2 for more warming up... The Pearl V4 went down with a flash by Scott (!) and Nicola sent second try. Scott then flashed Jenna's Jewelry V4 dyno and sent Caliman V7 with relative ease.

We then moved to Classic Monkey V6 at the Monkey Bars boulder. At that moment, the Pilar-Unit made a surprise appearance with her digital SLR. I think Pilar got some nice shots with the sun setting allowing for some high contrast polarization. I'll have to make a point of bouldering only at 3pm, or when the sun is at that certain shadow-producing angle.


Deadpoint to the jug... I missed it and ended up on a sloper for three fingers instead.

On our exit lap, Scott and I tried the Angel Dyno V7. No luck.

I took one of my patented wild helicopter-spins off the gaston and Scott saved my ass by literally catching me as my aforementioned ass plummeted to the earth like a hell-bent steroid. Mental note: Ensure presence of 6ft tall skillful spotter that outweighs you by 30-40 lbs. when doing a ridiculous dyno.

Donkey Punch V4 offered the day's finale.

Joshua Tree.

Spent a couple days in jtree to boulder on the monzogranite, which felt very similar to the Buttermilks in Bishop. The video is a problem called White Rastafarian, which is kind of tall.



The Outback:
White Rastafarian V3 R ***** Flash.
Hobbit Hole Offwidth V0- *** Flash.
Pinhead V1 Flash.
Little Sister V3 * Flash.
Pigskin V1 Flash.

Barker's Dam:
High Noon V5 **** 2nd Try.
The Chube V2 *** Flash.
Native Arete V0 ** Flash.

Slopey Traverse V6.

My 3rd V6 here so far. This is a photo from my first attempt awhile back. No pictures of the send b/c P was spotting me. Much better picture of somebody else doing it here:
http://0friction.com/image.php?image_id=19258

Bathtub boulder.

S on the jump start to a V6 on the Bathtub.

S morphs into J after the jumpstart.

J morphs into G. None of us completed the problem. The topout was tricky and probably the crux. It's a slap to a flat nothing.

S on a V5 dyno at sunset.

More bouldering at Calico Basin.

P pulling on Monkey Bars boulder.









Me showing poor foot cutting technique on the second half of a V9 "Monkey Direct", which was probably only a V3/4.
Sent one V6 next to it, which was my second V6 in Red Rocks.